Most Funny Facebook Status Update

People with Problems

• You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook. No way you were getting out of a DUI.
• The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, “Please help us.”
• I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking beer while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.
• He let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish; I really just wanted him to shut up.

For Halloween

• Eat, drink and be scary.
• I am dying to have a great Halloween with you.
• … wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don’t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
• … wonders if he’s getting old, or if others also ask for high-fiber candy only on Halloween?
• … thinks that cauldron of Halloween candy has been undressing me with its eyes from across the room all night…come here you.

For the New Year

• I will stop using FB as a tool of procrastination and actually do some homework.
• I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
• I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
• I will stop judging myself on how many people I have on my friends list. Also, stop taking posed, extreme angle profile pics…if you know me you know what I really look like!
• I will try to find a way to politely lose the 4 most annoying Facebook friends.

For Uninspired Times

• Insert coin to view status message.
• If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
• The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.
• When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
• … is cle’a[ni.ng hi's ke]yb36oa;rd